Friday, September 28, 2007

So you want to drive in Southern California - Part 3. Beware the idiots

That's right, beware of those that are clearly idiots.

I have a tendency to see many morons first hand. And I am here to pass this knowledge of what to look for when traversing the freeways.

To put it in the simplest terms. Everyone on the freeway is an idiot. But that really doesn't help you, does it? There are a few classes of idiots, and each have their own things that you should watch out for. So let's cover a few here.

Luxury cars, watch for the Lexuses (Lexii?), for they do not know what they do. Yes keep a close eye on any and all true luxury marquees. These are the people that have spent insane amounts of money for status. They have made it to this point by stomping on anyone they deem lesser than themselves. And on the freeway they are no better. As they are left behind by the car before them, they do not care about the people that await their use of a gas pedal. Nor do they move to another lane to let people pass. These are not the type of people that will allow anyone to pass them. They are your managers and their goal in life is to be an obstacle in your drive from point A to point B. It is much like the way they operate at work.

And on that note. Also watch for the old luxury cars. These are the vehicle of the wannabe's. That's right welfare mom's and deadbeat dad's that wish they could be rich. And they would do it too, if it wasn't so much work. So instead they will drive a 1982 BMW with a blown headgasket and duct taped quarter windows with Dayton wire rims. Too fucking cool.

Anyone with a NASCAR sticker. I don't give a damn if it is a Flash Gordon, or some ridiculous number sticker on the back of their Caravan. The only reason these people are NASCAR fans is due to the fact they are fascinated by anyone that knows how to keep a vehicle under complete control at speeds over 35mph. These people live vicariously through their tube framed "stock car" racing, Southern heroes.

The American made full size Tonka truck. These are owned by women with weight issues and men with penis envy. Please do not get this mixed up with a serious off-road machine. You will know the difference. A serious vehicle is designed to hit the dirt at WOT and the people that own them know what they are doing. No, the ones I talk about are the ones with a 14" lift using blocks on the leaf springs. 22" rims with rubberband tires and enough chrome lights to keep the Mohave lit up like Christmas. These people have spent insane amounts of money on something that can't even make it over a concrete divider at the local Wal Mart without the owner becoming anxious. You rock people. And someday when my hair falls out and my penis cannot stand up without the aid of blue pills, I may have to buy one myself. Nahh.

Now for a minor detour back to the original purpose of this blog.

I have gotten the OK to use a mill at my job. So next week I hope to drag my trees over and get the nasty stuf taken off and get it ready for new nasty stuff to be welded back on. So stay tuned for some bike building.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

So you want to drive in Southern California - Part 2

Let me give a brief idea on the layout of this wondrous system of roadways here in So. Cal.

I have heard the line about the interstate and freeway system being the arteries of the nation. The same is true for California. The roads are what keep California alive and rockin'.

But you have to understand these are not the arteries of a 20 yr old marathon runner. No. These are the arteries of a night-shift factory foreman. You know the one. That guy in the glass room. The cheap beer swilling, burger chomping, 2 pack a day smoking, 5 years from retirement foreman.

And the cars in these cholesterol hardened roads are its life's blood. Just looking for the perfect place to lodge itself up against and create a wondrous aneurysm.

There are only a few things that really gum up the works here in So. Cal. I will list a few here for you.

Reduction in lanes.
Expansion in the number of lanes.

I am not trying to say that the drivers on the freeways are complete morons. No, not at all. Perhaps they would do very well on bicycles. Unfortunately when you place them in or on anything that goes faster than 20 MPH, their IQ begins to drop by an equal amount. It could be from the lack of real driving adversities. Those without a challenge will create challenges for themselves. Thereby making life miserable for those of us that just want to move along and are honestly entertained by seeing the road move beneath their feet.

Friday, September 07, 2007

So you want to drive in Southern California - Part 1

Since I am currently in slacker mode for the bike build, I have been rather sporadic on my updates. Mainly this is due to the fact that there has been no progress on the Honda. With this in mind the blog has taken a slight detour into the slightly disturbing and convoluted corners of my mind. This might be a bit off-putting for some folk, but please bear with me. I will return to the roots of this blog. Me and the blog we have had some good times, you know?

So since I am unable to update my little blog with anything motorcycle related at the moment, I will just have to do a little song and dance to keep people coming to the shores that is the deserted island of me.

Now as do most other Californians, I commute. I get up in the morning, drink my coffee and rush onto the roadways to spend an hour parking in the morning. Do some work for 8+ hours. Rush out of the office and park for another hour. It is a good time to be had by all. Now I bet you are saying, "Well Shroom, what the fuck do you do during the two hours of your life that is being slowly drained away by sitting parked in long lines with your fellow sheeple?"

I could listen to tapes on CD or cassette. Listen to talk radio, someone interesting and deep like Dr. Laura or Rush. Or even learn how to phase through walls from deep Zen meditation. Do I do any of these? Nah. I think about things.

"What kinds of things?" you may ask. All sorts of things that only deep intellectuals like myself think about. Well intellectuals and sociopaths. I think about the life, the universe, and everything. I think about the meaning of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, where those lost socks really go, and why the sky is blue. I think about love, like, family, and why ketchup tastes so damn good on fries. Deep meaningful thoughts.

But for a little while I want to take you into my head and tell you about this special thing I get to experience daily, called Southern California commuting. This is going to be a multi part series. As of this time, I have no idea how many parts. More than likely I will write about it until I either

A. Get bored.
B. Get side-tracked.

So stay tuned for this new series, only available here. Unless I can gain syndication with a high class magazine, like Penthouse.